Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ttyl tear gas
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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