Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
