I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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