we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
