My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
