There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
