Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
