I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
