So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize