u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
