you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize