Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
