Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
