just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
