you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize