Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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