I hate all girls vehemently.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
