he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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