I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize