there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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