i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
