I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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