More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she looked like the before picture.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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