Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
