I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
