mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
