Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
