You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
