I am spending my child support on dildos
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is Oprah even human
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
