Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
