You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize