Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
the liver wants what the liver wants
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
