Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
