im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My vagina just clenched in fear
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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