Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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