4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
