Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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