you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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