shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
