if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I am spending my child support on dildos
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
