I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I am spending my child support on dildos
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
