Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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