There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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