Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
