the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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