1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
