seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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