I'm going to jail i love you
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
