I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
