Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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