So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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