i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize