make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
