Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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