My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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