I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
