After last night, I could never be a politician.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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