Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
