why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
