Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
