it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
