he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize