The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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