Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
