I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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