I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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