For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have so much sex to catch up on
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
