she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
how drunk are you?
Several
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
