i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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