I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
