I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am available for nakedness
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
