please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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