he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
