we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
