I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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