I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
