It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
