I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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